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Feeling: Calm. Loving my life. |
Eating: Um... life?
Wearing: Jeans, black tank top with built in bra, lavender panties, eith a little sleeping kitty on them, my claddagh, green choker and matching earrings, contacts, vestiges of the day's make-up, black belt.
Listening to: *Hummmmrumblerumblerumble* It's my washing machione making contented noises.
Chatting with: Keeping my own counsel.
Thinking: "I need to concentrate on my posture more."
Remembering: Dave's tongue ring.
Glad for: My ability to move past fear into growth.
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Today is: 2002-03-30 - @ 10:40 p.m.
Why am I scared? all time - is relative
Why am I scared? I wasn't even aware that I was scared until I typed that sentence. I just sit here in the accepting darkness, waiting for something to write, and suddenly I realize I am scared. I am 15. Why the hell am I, someone who can't even drive yet, making desicions that will severly impact the rest of my life? I was scheduling for my classes next year, and this girl, Angleina, asked my hwo many years of Math she should take. I assumed she was going to college, so I told her 4 years or whatever it was, and she looked at me, with such scary innocence, and she replied with such nonchalance, "Oh, I am going to a beauty college, not a real college." I wanted to cry. I wanted to shake her, I wantedd to scream, "WHY, WHY, WHY??" I don't know why it bothered me so much. Then it hit me, like a drunk boyfriend, blunt and clumsy, that I knew I could do that. I could cut of my own balls (metaphorically) leaving myself with one choice, a choice I made when I was so emtionally immature tht I still thought fart jokes were funny. They scariest part is that there isn't anyone I can turn to, that can say, "Oh, that's not hard, just go down path A, make a left onto path G, then go down until you hit easy street, with a minivan full with groceries, 2 wonderful, striaght A-students for kids, and a faithful husband who doesn't smoke in suburbia. I am scared because no one really knows where we are going, we just stare at our asses aat what coulda been. I am scared and you should be too.
all time - is relative