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Feeling: Calm. Loving my life. |
Eating: Um... life?
Wearing: Jeans, black tank top with built in bra, lavender panties, eith a little sleeping kitty on them, my claddagh, green choker and matching earrings, contacts, vestiges of the day's make-up, black belt.
Listening to: *Hummmmrumblerumblerumble* It's my washing machione making contented noises.
Chatting with: Keeping my own counsel.
Thinking: "I need to concentrate on my posture more."
Remembering: Dave's tongue ring.
Glad for: My ability to move past fear into growth.
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Today is: 2002-10-14 - @ 8:49 a.m.
an ending all time - is relative
To: The Skete <---Peter
From: Dynamomystic <----Me
Date: 10/13/2002 8:21:14 AM Pacific Standard Time
We are drifting apart and I'm not sure wether or not you want me to do anything about it.
From: The Skete
Subj: Re: .
Date: 10/14/2002 1:04:52 AM Pacific Standard Time
It's happening, I know, i don't want it to, but i'm letting it. I'm really still quite in love with you, not in the friend way, and it has to end at some point. if you don't want us to drift apart, don't let it happen. but detaching myself from the situation it might be best. i would say, maybe let us drift apart for awhile, and once i'm "over" you, renew our friendship. but we've done that before and me being totally and completely over you ended in about 5 seconds of me seeing you again. so i don't know. maybe it's best to just let us drift apart, and then in a couple years see how things are?
i've been tempted to intentionally drift apart, but that wouldn't be possible with tai chi (me here, Tai Chi is a class at a local college that I have with him, sorry, back to the letter), and besides, i don't want to drift apart too much to do it intentionally, so i've thought about the reality that once tai chi is over, there will not be any occasions, or excuses for us to see each other.
i had actually been trying to prevent a drifting apart, with the emails i had been sending you, and the note books, but honestly, the replies i get from you are for the most part, wholey un-satisfying. i really don't want to offend you, it wasn't actually bad, it was a good sort of way to initiate the drifting apart.
i know i've said this before, but i would right to you, almost purely about my thoughts and feelings, even blatantly inserting questions, particularely in the journal and, your whole entire reply had no response to any of my writings. this continued with the emails, and it has happened prior to this many times. i'm really not upset, and neither should you. it's just a good signal that it is most likely time to let us drift apart. we've tried so many times, so many different things. we tried being just friends, we tried zero contact and then being just friends, we gave up on that and tried for the full on, well almost full on, boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship. none of it has worked, and maybe it's time to let things move on, on their own.
i'm still incredibly attached to you, and opened to the idea that maybe this is wrong. i met someone interesting the other night. this girl was in a chat room, and i was bored, and putting on my usual act of hating love, and telling everyone they should hate each other, and i let one that i had once loved some one. she kept going on how love was right, and love was true, and that i should have love. eventually though it turned around, to her being depressed that her boyfriend of 2 years abondoned her, and how for 4 years she had suffered from depression, and none of the therapy or medications helped, and i had to reveal to her i had just been acting out, and explained to her my strategies for coping with manic depression. well, turns out she is an idiot, and she is convinced i shouldn't be happy with my life despite the fact i can't have you. i should do nothing but fight for your love. and i couldn't convince her of that fact that just because i felt like you could be a soulmate type thing, didn't mean you were, and that i shouldn't limit myself to happiness with one person, especially one i can't have. it was awfully tempting to agree with her though.
My answer, to should you do something about us drifting apart? i don't know, and i know you hate that answer, but i don't. should you allow us to drift apart? Ask yourself how that would work out in your life. I don't really have a place in your life now, it would free you from any remaining feelings that might be lingering, or holding you back, and we could maintian light contact so you would still know i'm okay, and be around if we need each other. I don't know if that's the case, seeing as how I currently only know that you use to love me a lot, and I have no idea on the current status of your feelings for me. perhaps I still mean that much to you, and you couldn't bear the thought of losing me anymore, then don't let us drift apart. or maybe your sick of me and want me gone, then maybe you should pursue this drifting apart.
Mostly i'm trying to say, do what you want, and need, based on how you feel. Dont' worry about me. If you decide it's best we drift apart, I'll be happy to read your diary now and then, know how your life is going and go our seperate ways. If you want me to stay in your life, and you think our relationship should be even stronger, then i'm there for you, I love you, and couldn't possibly turn you away. I miss you a lot, and I miss talking to you, so no matter what, I'm good, I just want stasha to do what's best for stasha.
I love you so much kid. I truly do love you.
To: The Skete
Subj: re: .
Date: 10/14/2002 9:04:29 AM Pacific Standard Time
How ironic. The subject, I mean. Doesn't a pierod always come at the end of a sentence? I don't know. I can feel it in your letter, what you want, or at least what I am picking up between the lines. I've already lost you, there isn't anything I can do about it. Of course, you put in your letter you would be willing to try to stay togther, but you know, on some level, your really not. You don't expect me to plead for you to stay with me, and I won't. I won't do that to you. Just promise to still write in your diary sometimes, so I know you haven't become a transvestite and gotten aids and died, ok? Just do that for me, please. OK then. Tell your mom I always thought she was really nice lady. Have a nice life. Goodbye....
Me again. I know my last letter came across as cold, but it was ethier that or let on that I was sobbing.
Quote for the Entry: "And they knew to let love die was the greatest sin." -Me, in a crappy poem I wrote agaes ago, it is in one of my older entries, it's called Weaver of Dreams. That live from it just flashed into my head as I was reading his letter.
all time - is relative